The Road More Traveled

Sweetin-ing The Pot: A One-Act Play

“I was married to a police officer – we’re going through a divorce right now – HE HAD NO IDEA” – Jodie Sweetin on her crystal meth addiction

Int. Quiet Home in the Not-Quite-Hollywood-Hills – NIGHT

Jodie Sweetin is just finishing her afternoon project, an in-depth exploration of her left thumb. A car door slams outside. It’s her husband, Officer Oblivious, home from a long day of law enforcement! He enters the kitchen and finds Jodie at the table, armed with a magnifying glass and muttering softly to herself.

OO: How’s my little Sweetie?
JS: I’m so good! Honey, come take a look at my cuticle, it’s incredible.
OO: Always the curious one, that’s my Jodie Wodie! You have no idea how happy I am to see you, it’s been the worst day.
JS: (Now pulling out her arm hairs one by one) Oh baby, do you want to talk about it? Let’s talk. Talk to me. Tell me about it, all of it. Every single bit of it, baby. Talk! Here, youcantalkwhileIscrubthekitchenfloor.
OO: Pookie Pie, you truly are amazing. We must have the cleanest house in the county. Vacuuming at 4am, scrubbing the floors on the hour every hour…you haven’t even slept since last Thursday!
JS: (Donning rubber gloves and picking up scrub brush) Yeah, I’m just, like, really, really busy. Really busy with things, there’s like so much I have to do. (She now starts scrubbing furiously)
OO: Yeah, I know the feeling. Let me tell you about today. We had to do a sting operation to bust up this ring of meth cooks-
JS: (suddenly standing up) Meth cooks? What? Where? What are you talking about? I'm not on meth!
OO: Not YOU, silly! I think I would KNOW if my own wife was on meth! Anyway, there were these guys operating out of a trailer park. It was so shocking- did you know that they were distilling crystal meth from Sudafed, of all things?
JS: (Grabbing notebook and pen) Sudafed? Sudafed. Like Non-Drying Sinus? Or Cold and Cough? Or Severe Cold?
OO: Well gosh, I don’t know. I guess they learned how to do it over the internet, there are these websites-
JS: Websites? What website? WHATISTHEMOTHERF*CKINGWEBSITE?? (She rocks back and forth in place and starts picking at the line of scabs on her arm)
OO: My little student! Your thirst for knowledge is unquenchable, that’s one of the things I love so much about you. I don’t know what the website was, I guess I’d have to ask one of the boys. Let me get back to you on that one. By the way, I brought you some takeout. Chinese, your favorite!
JS: Baby, that’s great. I’msoexcited, YES!! YES! Put it in the fridge, ok? I gotta finish some stuff right now. Ok? Just. Gotta. Finish. Some. Stuff. NOW.
OO: I know how devoted you are to keeping our beautiful home clean, Sugar, but you can take a break for dinner. You must be starving, look how you’re grinding your teeth around.
JS: (Now bleeding from open scratch wounds) Not now, I have lots to do. Kitchen floor needs to be scrubbed again. I’m gonna rearrange the furniture in the living room after I finish alphabetizing your socks. ABCDEFGHIJK-
OO: Busy as a little bee! Ok then, into the fridge it goes. You’re so creative, that’s another thing I love so much about you. I didn’t even know socks could be alphabetized.
JS: (twitching uncontrollably) Well, I invented a new language yesterday. Mr. Woodchuck and me, and Ranger Joe, andUncle Jesse’sgoingtosingasongaboutitwithElvis. Have you seen DJ? Where is DJ?
OO: My little comedienne!
JS: WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO WITH DJ? YOU KILLED HER, DIDN’T YOU?? YOU MURDERED HER! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE!!
OO: You are cute as a button, aren’t you. Always cracking me up. I dig roleplay games too...so let's see...ok...hello Ma'am. Police to the rescue! How can I be of service? (He winks)
JS: YOU F*CKING BASTARD! DAD! MICHELLE! KIMMY GIBLER! GET OVER HERE! THIS MAN KILLED DJ! (She picks up butcher knife and starts chasing him around the kitchen)
OO: (Dodging slashes) Jodie Baby, this is such a turn on. We need to do this more often.
JS: HOW RUDE!!

Fade to black.

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 3:18 PM