The Road More Traveled

Sweetin Low: A Second One-Act Play

“The tabloid press reported a three-day bender as well as an intervention staged by her "Full House" castmates — including Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget.” – ABC News

INT. JODIE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Jodie sits in front of the television watching a Proactiv infomercial and contemplating the possibility of extending her three-day bender into a fourth day, or perhaps even a fifth if she hasn’t finished creating her butter sculpture of the Last Supper by then. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Jodie picks up her shotgun and warily opens the door, only to find the Olsen Twins, John Stamos, and Bob Saget standing outside.

Jodie: (gesticulating excitedly with loaded gun) Ohmigod! This is so great, what are you guys doing here?? Come on in!

They file in, each expressing “caring, yet stern” with his/her own unique facial contortions, and take a seat in the living room.

Bob: Jodie, put the shotgun down. (She complies, but senses that something’s awry.) We need to talk to you about something very serious. Your ass looks amazing, by the way. Good thing you’re not really my daughter! But even if you were, I’d have a hard time-
John: Ok Bob, HAVE MERCY! Let’s focus here. Steph- I mean, Jodie- my divorce from Rebecca Romijn wasn’t easy. Having Jake In Progress cancelled wasn’t easy. There were times when I wanted to drown my sorrows in a pool of hair gel, or even ingest, smoke, snort, or inject a synthetic compound in the amphetamine family with “street names” such as crank, ice, tweak, amp or poor man’s coke.
Jodie: Wait a second…what are you all getting at here?
Mary-Kate: Grrrrmph brrrgh drrrggggghib brrrghhiiinig?
Jodie: What??
Ashley: Sorry, I have to translate for her- she accidentally blocked most of her face today with her various head and neck accoutrements, so you can't really hear what she's saying. You know how it is. Anyway, she says she thinks you might have a problem, and also wants to know if there’s a Starbucks nearby.
Jodie: A problem? A PROBLEM? What are you talking about? I’m FINE. Yeah, so maybe I have some fun now and then, but I’m totally ok. I can’t believe you guys are doing this to me! This is MY LIFE, so just butt out, ok?
Bob: Jodie, we can’t just butt out, we’re family. A fictional family, perhaps, with an uncanny knack for solving all major life crises in 30 minutes, including commercials, but a family nonetheless. And you need help. (He reaches over and begins to caress her leg) Not on these thighs, mind you, they’re looking-
John: ENOUGH, Bob. Steph- sorry, Jodie- we care about you, and we know what you’ve been using. And we can’t imagine why an attractive, talented actress such as yourself would want to put her life and career in jeopardy this way. Why are you doing this?
Jodie: GET AWAY FROM ME! I HATE YOU ALL! Why are you doing THIS? To ME?? (She bursts into tears) I do NOT have a problem!!
Mary-Kate: Gbrrrrrekkkkkkk vjjjsjfjhghghhh sbbbhhhhhlurfbb!
Ashley: She says there are much better ways to deal with your problems than consuming methamphetamines.
Jodie: (Sniffling) Like what??
Mary-Kate: fhjdskjjjjjjjjjfjhhhhhhhh!! Ahvhciuhsuihekjhgh!
Ashley: She says like cocaine, Jodie! Cocaine! Isn’t it obvious? And frankly, we all agree with Mary-Kate. I know your royalty checks from Full House might not be paying the bills anymore, but this is ridiculous. You’re throwing everything away, and we just can’t bear to watch it anymore. Get a job, steal, do whatever you have to- but please switch to cocaine. Before it’s too late.
Jodie: (Tears streaming down her face) I can’t! I can’t do it. It’s too hard.
John: We love you Steph-o...er...Jode-o, and we only want what’s best for you. You’re worth so much more than this. You don’t live in a trailer in rural Mississippi, you’re not a truck driver, you're not a stripper. I really have to ask...why? Why are you getting tweaky with it like this?
Bob: And you want to act again, don’t you? Do you think people will want to hire some has-been addict with Meth Mouth? I certainly wouldn’t. Unless you were hot, which you are, in which case I would at least-
Ashley: Look, what he means is, meth just doesn’t fly in Hollywood, ok?
Mary-Kate: Blfllfshhhhhhfs isfjifjjfjfi
Ashley: Exactly MK! She says that blow is your only respectable route as far as psycho-stimulant drugs are concerned. And if you don’t believe that you can live without crystal meth, use her for inspiration. She marches to the beat of a Bolivian drummer, and it works smashingly!
Kate Moss: Works for me too!
Dina Lohan: And for my daughter!
Bob: Kate Moss and Dina Lohan, what are you two doing here?? Hey, I sense a threesome!!
Kate Moss: We were concerned about Jodie, and we wanted to support her.
Dina Lohan: And give her some positive role models!

CUE SOFT, SLOWLY CRESCENDOING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

Jodie: Gee guys. I guess you’re right. I really DO have a problem, I just couldn’t see it clearly, especially since I scratched my corneas last night trying to examine the fibers of my bedroom carpet. I don’t know what I was thinking, and without you guys, I never would have asked for help. You're truly saving my life.
John: Of course we are, that’s what Family Tann- I mean we- are here for!
Mary-Kate: Bnfffffffffffffffffffffkekekk!
Ashley: MK says you can even have some of hers right now if you want, she can’t access her nose at the moment anyway. Gosh, we're all so proud of you, Jodie, we believe in you. I want you to look me in the oversized Chanel lens and tell me you’re going to stay strong, that you’re going to stay meth-free!
Jodie: (Gazing earnestly into the large, black abyss of Ashley’s sunglasses) I will. I swear. I'm checking into Promises, and when I emerge, it's out with the ice skating, in with the skiing, if you know what I mean...
Bob: Like a one-woman Winter Olympics! I'm so glad we could help. You know what I think…I think this calls for a group hug! (He moves forward, arms outstretched)
John: Just watch the hair!
Dina: And watch my implants!
Mary-Kate: Bllllllllllllllllllllghdjdjdjdjkkkkkkkkkkkj
Jodie: I couldn’t agree more. I love you guys.

They all unite in a warm embrace as the music swells. Bob’s hand slowly gravitates toward Jodie’s backside, eventually coming to a rest there.

Jodie: HOW RUDE!!

Fade to black.

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 2:09 PM