Jennifer's Crisis: Installment #1
It was five minutes after eleven, and Jennifer was concerned. It wasn't because her spray-tan had faded from Cheet-o to a milder shade of Dorito (she hadn't moisturized properly), nor was it because two of the Swarovski crystals embroidered onto the denim expanse of her Crunch-toned backside had been scraped off in an accidental encounter with the hardware on her Vuitton clutch. It wasn't even because she’d been denied a camera phone photo-op with her crush from The Real World: Philadelphia the previous evening at Mansion. No, Jennifer had bigger fish to fry (or rather, to grill; Jennifer had no place for extra calories, even in her idioms) on this breezy Saturday night in Miami.The problem had first reared its ugly, pomade-doused head earlier that day when her best friend and travel companion, Lindsay, announced that her acquaintances Jared and Adam would not, in fact, be in town that night. Normally, Jennifer could easily do without the company of these two well-groomed gentlemen and the delicate aroma of cologne mixed with sculpting gel that accompanied them wherever they went. Tonight, however, those girls needed Jared and Adam more than a baker kneads dough. Jared, you see, was a party promoter who, in spite of (or perhaps because of) his Bay Ridge roots, had risen through the nightlife ranks after dropping out of SUNY Binghamton and now controlled the A-List circuit in Manhattan from the back seat of his chauffeured Escalade. Adam was a native Jersey boy with big dreams and an even bigger collection of Jenna Jameson videos, conveniently stored under his night table for evening screenings on his ceiling-mounted flat panel. After cutting his teeth (and then getting them lasered at Brite Smile) working the door at Tunnel and Limelight in the 90's, he and two partners had opened a string of successful hotspots. The latest, Death, which featured the famous $100 Mortini(dyed black with crushed beluga caviar, topped off with a splash of Krug Clos de Mesnil 1995, and blessed by a world-renowned Kabbalah rabbi), was the weekly host of Jared's "You Only Live Twice" party. The two had become fast friends, catalyzed by their shared love of Jacob the Jeweler and hands-free cell phone units, and the rest was history. Now, however, we must sadly follow the lead of Jared and Adam's respective back-waxers and pry these pages away from their alluring selves. It is Jennifer's impending crisis, after all, which we wish to discuss. To be continued.....
posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 3:51 PM
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