The Road More Traveled

Vegas Social Diary

Coming tomorrow, so stay tuned...
But in the meantime, let me just say that Vegas might as well be Mars, only Martians probably speak better English and own fewer fanny packs. I have seen men wearing more jewelry than Queen Elizabeth, and I have seen a male stripper named Val, who has no body hair and a pronounced affinity for both coconut oil and herpes, give an xxx-rated lap dance to an overweight bachelorette from Indiana. I have had my dinner at an expensive steakhouse interrupted by an impromptu parade consisting of two drag queens, a pimp, and several midgets in matching dresses. I have learned the life story of a blackjack dealer named Tom because I spent three hours straight at his table. On a Sunday afternoon. Easter Sunday afternoon. I have seen call-girls in stiletto boots meeting their unattractive, short, balding "customers" in public as husbands and wives in matching denim overalls dragged their screaming, mulleted children away from the man handing out strip-club flyers. I have seen an enormous woman in leggings and Skechers clogs and her equally enormous, wife-beatered husband walking down the street at 1pm, sipping from 2-foot-long, plastic cocktail glasses full of rum punch. I have watched a Mexican man drop $400 for one bottle of not-so-great vodka at a club, while two greasy hombres with diamond studs in their ears and half unbuttoned shirts performed the dance equivalent of a gang-bang on a girl wearing a halter top and a chain belt with the approximate width of the Hudson River. I have been nearly deafened by the surround-sound trance music blaring from speakers at the hotel pool area. In the morning. I have washed down a $20 sandwich with a $6 bottle of water. Which I paid for with an $100 bill, because that is the only type of bill the ATM machine contained. I have avoided the cover charge at a lounge by blending in with a group of Midwestern spring breakers wearing capri pants with 6-inch platforms, and I have participated in their converation, despite the blank stares resulting from the fact that they have never laid eyes on me before, in order to keep the bouncer's suspicions at bay. Yes, I have done, seen and heard many, many things in the great City of Sin. And tomorrow brings visual evidence...

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 5:58 PM