Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Tinsley Mortimer Report: A Head Of The Game

Tinsley had an extraordinary week, going where no socialite has gone before and pulling it off with the panache that only an ex-event-planner-turned-camera-bait could. While planning for the American Museum of Natural History's annual Winter Dance, she realized not only that the "Desert Hues" dress code would limit her own color palette, but also that it would limit everyone else's, thus potentially homogenizing the crowd and creating significantly fewer opportunities to stand out as a true Fashion Icon (for example, note that sister-in-law Minnie Mortimer, below right, also sports a light green ensemble). This thought, and the obvious pressures that accompany it, might have caused less resilient social fixtures to crumble, or at the very least, to accept the possibility of slinking about unnoticed amongst the masses. Not our Tinsley, however. Once she had selected her "hue," a delectably minty green, and a satiny, low-cut design that screams "Gobi" or "Sahara" to all whose ears are tuned to the key of T Major, she marched straight to the door of her botoxer/general aesthetic consultant and announced her predicament. After discussing at length the setting (Natural History Museum, African Mammals wing) , her natural body type (svelte), her dietary preferences (vegetable matter) and a fashion trend worth exploring that might provide an appropriately witty fashion statement (androgyny), they finally selected her spiritual "creature" counterpart and decided on a fairly radical procedure: Tinsley would have the first ever (at least the first ever documented) antelope horn implant. Within two days, a male specimen was shipped from Namibia and stripped of its impressive "headpiece," which was then grafted onto Tinsley's head using a cutting-edge procedure first developed by NASA for the welding of space station parts. Of course, being the discreet and tasteful Benefit Chairwoman that she is, Tinsley refused to say whether it was an impala, a puku, a lichtenstein's hartebeest, or some other even-toed ungulate entirely that sacrificed its life so that Tinsley's fashion legacy may live, but as you can see below, the results of her surgical enhancement were stunning.

Horny for Natural History

(photo from New York Social Diary)

The crowd simply couldn't get enough of Tinsley's "sharp" fashion observation, and needless to say, she may not have been the only attendee in the African Mammal Wing, but she was certainly the only attendee in African Mammal. Notice how the soft, draping curves of her gown brilliantly juxtapose the angular lines of the horns. Notice how feminine meets masculine in a bold new statement about the implications of gender identity, and man meets animal in a dramatic observation about the essence of humanity. Tinsley has truly outdone herself this week, and as her four-legged horn donor frolicks about the savannahs of Heaven, he undoubtedly rejoices in the knowledge that his contribution was not in vain. We all wait with bated breath to see what Tinsley brings to the Limoges and excellent silver-appointed table in March.


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