The Road More Traveled

Queen Of The Jungle

Simba, Serengeti monarch and world-famous star of "The Lion King," has shocked the public by announcing that he recently underwent gender reassignment surgery. "Back when I was a cub, frolicking about the savannas and partaking in a variety of lighthearted escapades with a warthog and a meerkat, I knew I was different. I just didn't know how," muses the newly-minted lioness. "Besides, transgendered animals were not the norm in those days, especially within the royal family." Adds Nala, his ex-wife and the mother of his cubs, "In retrospect, the fact that he conducted his day-to-day life in musical format should have set off alarm bells. But we were young and foolish at the time." Everything changed, however, when Zazu, avian aide to the royal family, flew into Simba's cave and found him wearing Nala's heels and shaving his mane. Simba had some real soul-searching to do, and some real ballads to sing.

Five years later, Simba is now "Jocelyn Wildenstein," and she owns two luxury apartments in Manhattan. Why did she adopt that particular name? "Well," explains Jocelyn, "My first name is derived from the Latin word for 'joy,' which was my exact emotion upon emerging from the figurative prison of constructed gender roles. The 'wild' in 'Wildenstein' is a nod to my Serengeti origins, and the 'stein?' Well, much like imprisoned rapper Shyne, I have determined that I am actually descended from an ancient clan of Ethiopian Jews."

Now that she has fully assumed her female identity, Jocelyn could not be happier with her new environs, and, more significantly, with her new body. "Eyeliner, lipstick, curling and blonding my mane- this is everything I ever hoped for. I know my father is looking down from the lion-shaped constellation in which his spirit now resides, and he is smiling at me." Bursting into song, she then sums up her situation perfectly: "Oh I juuuuuust can't WAIT to be queeeeeen!"

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 4:58 PM