The Road More Traveled

Meet Pete's Potential Dates (see previous post to meet Pete)

How would you describe yourself?

"Like an intricately decoupaged wall, I am a little bit of everything glued onto a one-dimensional surface and coated with several transparent layers. Like a lit eggshell votive candle, I am hard (yet fragile!) on the outside and soft on the inside, but I will still burn your sorry ass if you touch me. Like a share of ImClone stock, I roll with the highs and the lows, but like a well-executed inside trade, I'm always one step ahead and I'm engineered to generate profits!"

What animal do you most resemble; why?

"I think I'd have to say an impala. Not only are all members of the antelope family incredibly en vogue right now because of Tinsley Mortimer's recent horn transplant (see last week's Tinsley Mortimer Report), but also because they are characterized by black markings around their ankles. I can relate to that."

What does your lucky underwear look like?

"It's a lace and vinyl teddy with a matching garter belt and thong. I usually pair it with fishnets."

What's sexy?

"A well-made greenery wreath with a cranberry garland."

Anna Nicole, 38, Shapeshifter, Professional Plaintiff

When you go to a bar, what's the first drink you'll order?

"Ideally I'd order moonshine or malt liquor, or maybe some Bartles & Jaymes. I like to mix them all up sometimes and dissolve some TrimSpa in it, or if I don't have any, a little Xanax or Lithium or whatever I have on me. It's my own specialty cocktail! Or I might just order some PBR and pork rinds."

How would you describe yourself?

"Well, depending on which segment of the diet roller coaster I happen to be riding, obese, minimally clothed, surgically enhanced, speech-slurring, pill-popping, and mentally incompetent, or alternately, thin, minimally clothed, surgically enhanced, speech-slurring, pill-popping and mentally incompetent."

What things can you not live without?

"Prescriptions, silicone, bleach, lipstick, cubic zirconium, Bobby Trendy's tasteful decor, my rightful portion of J. Howard Marshall II's estate."

What's attractive, what's sexy?

"Necrophilia, nursing homes...there is nothing sexier than sharing an Ensure nightcap with a man in Depends, especially if he's wheelchair-bound or hooked up to some kind of life support device. I'm also incredibly attracted to lawsuits."

Clay, 27, Heartthrob

What's attractive, sexy?

"Speedos, leather, gladiators, chatrooms, anal plugs- I love a masculine man, big muscles, someone who can slap me around a bit...Wait! Erase that. Lingerie is sexy. Curves are sexy. She should be feminine and FEMALE and I love football, and beer, and Penthouse, and strip clubs, and figure skating...no, HOCKEY! I love HOCKEY!"

What would be your ideal date?

"We could read Seventeen, maybe give each other pedicures, try out some mud masks and eat a few pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Lifetime movies."

How would you describe yourself?

"SWM looking 2 PnP, U come 2 my place, b discreet. 6'1, 150lbs, hot redhead bottom, b ready 4 some dirrrty fun! I am ready 2 go, R U out there, cowboy? "

Stay tuned to find out who Pete chose, and to see how their date went!

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 10:24 AM