The Road More Traveled

Tinsley Mortimer Exclusive: Schedules of the Rich and Semi-Famous

In this Road More Traveled exclusive, I present to you a formerly classified page from Tinsley's day planner:

9:oo AM: Wake up! Lovingly caress Pratesi sheets, praise Lord for deliverance from low thread counts

9:15 AM: Brush golden locks 1,800 times with boar bristles to best distribute natural oils and maintain all-over silky luster

9:45 AM: Play dress-up with own clothing, engage in elaborate roleplay. I'm a princess in a pretty castle! Riding to the Royal Ball in a Peter Som-designed coach! Which "accidentally" runs over Zani Gugelmann and Amanda Hearst and Olivia Chantecaille on the way!

10:30 AM: Apply a light mud mask

10:45 AM: Eat a spoonful of Splenda for breakfast. Check New York Social Diary and Patrick McMullan. Print relevant pictures and paste onto personal, self-dedicated shrine in the Tinsley Room. Revise graph that charts comparative photo-coverage of young socialites, see if anyone has finally surpassed self. If so, call Tonya Harding for "assistance."

11:30 AM: Work time! Practice facial expressions and poses in mirror, focus on expanding emotional range. Pout. Grin. Feign surprise. Chuckle. Exude mystery. Smolder. Make flashcards, have maid give quiz.

12:15 PM: Sift through invitations, figure out which already list self as "board member" or "chairwoman." Make flashcards, have maid give quiz. Of remaining invites, decide which poor people/sick people/cultural institutions/designers are worth time. Add rejects to Invitation Compost Pile. Turn contents of pile with Tiffany salad tongs. Admire own eco-friendliness. Also admire own reflection in salad tongs.

1:00 PM: Fred's at Barneys for lunch. If cloudy, stop on lower floors to have sunshine blown up backside by salespeople. If sunny, wear oversized Chanel shades and do same. Call flamboyant, male-designer friend for daily positive affirmation. Agree to receive free clothing from his showroom.

3:00 PM: Have existential crisis. Realize do not know definition of "existential." Reconsider, get pedicure instead.

4:00 PM: Arrive home for prayer session. Pray for deliverance from dress duplication at tonight's benefit. Pray for burn-free encounter with hair curler. Pray that Zani Gugelmann and Amanda Hearst and Olivia Chantecaille have "accidental" encounter with double-decker tourist bus.

5:00 PM: Try on tonight's outfit. Videotape self lip-synching to "Don'tCha" by the Pussycat Dolls

5:30 PM: Massage non-drying facial cleanser into face. Rinse. Repeat.

6:00 PM: Dress and apply make-up. Do extensive mouth stretches to prepare for fake laughter, double-cheek kissing, emoting. Wonder if 29 is too young for Restylane. Ponder moral implications of wearing same sandals twice.

7:00 PM: GO GET 'EM, TIGER! I AM TINSLEY, HEAR ME ROAR.

11:00 PM: Turn in early, as to appear well rested in tomorrow's photos. Ponder adopting Chinese baby. Realize do not know where China is. Reconsider, brush teeth instead.

11:30 PM: Enter hyperbaric oxygen chamber. Remove batteries from self, place in charger. Send daily morse code report to native planet. Fluff pillows. Praise Lord for deliverance from polyester fiberfill. Sleep.

posted by She-Ra, Princess of Power @ 4:47 PM