Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Tinsley Mortimer Exclusive: Schedules of the Rich and Semi-Famous

In this Road More Traveled exclusive, I present to you a formerly classified page from Tinsley's day planner:

9:oo AM: Wake up! Lovingly caress Pratesi sheets, praise Lord for deliverance from low thread counts

9:15 AM: Brush golden locks 1,800 times with boar bristles to best distribute natural oils and maintain all-over silky luster

9:45 AM: Play dress-up with own clothing, engage in elaborate roleplay. I'm a princess in a pretty castle! Riding to the Royal Ball in a Peter Som-designed coach! Which "accidentally" runs over Zani Gugelmann and Amanda Hearst and Olivia Chantecaille on the way!

10:30 AM: Apply a light mud mask

10:45 AM: Eat a spoonful of Splenda for breakfast. Check New York Social Diary and Patrick McMullan. Print relevant pictures and paste onto personal, self-dedicated shrine in the Tinsley Room. Revise graph that charts comparative photo-coverage of young socialites, see if anyone has finally surpassed self. If so, call Tonya Harding for "assistance."

11:30 AM: Work time! Practice facial expressions and poses in mirror, focus on expanding emotional range. Pout. Grin. Feign surprise. Chuckle. Exude mystery. Smolder. Make flashcards, have maid give quiz.

12:15 PM: Sift through invitations, figure out which already list self as "board member" or "chairwoman." Make flashcards, have maid give quiz. Of remaining invites, decide which poor people/sick people/cultural institutions/designers are worth time. Add rejects to Invitation Compost Pile. Turn contents of pile with Tiffany salad tongs. Admire own eco-friendliness. Also admire own reflection in salad tongs.

1:00 PM: Fred's at Barneys for lunch. If cloudy, stop on lower floors to have sunshine blown up backside by salespeople. If sunny, wear oversized Chanel shades and do same. Call flamboyant, male-designer friend for daily positive affirmation. Agree to receive free clothing from his showroom.

3:00 PM: Have existential crisis. Realize do not know definition of "existential." Reconsider, get pedicure instead.

4:00 PM: Arrive home for prayer session. Pray for deliverance from dress duplication at tonight's benefit. Pray for burn-free encounter with hair curler. Pray that Zani Gugelmann and Amanda Hearst and Olivia Chantecaille have "accidental" encounter with double-decker tourist bus.

5:00 PM: Try on tonight's outfit. Videotape self lip-synching to "Don'tCha" by the Pussycat Dolls

5:30 PM: Massage non-drying facial cleanser into face. Rinse. Repeat.

6:00 PM: Dress and apply make-up. Do extensive mouth stretches to prepare for fake laughter, double-cheek kissing, emoting. Wonder if 29 is too young for Restylane. Ponder moral implications of wearing same sandals twice.


11:00 PM: Turn in early, as to appear well rested in tomorrow's photos. Ponder adopting Chinese baby. Realize do not know where China is. Reconsider, brush teeth instead.

11:30 PM: Enter hyperbaric oxygen chamber. Remove batteries from self, place in charger. Send daily morse code report to native planet. Fluff pillows. Praise Lord for deliverance from polyester fiberfill. Sleep.


At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tinsley comes into my job quite often and she is actually always very nice and friendly....not snobby at all.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger She-Ra, Princess of Power said...

I'm sure you're right, I pick on her representationally, not personally, but it's all in fun.


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